THE ABANDONED HUSBAND’S GUIDE TO SURVIVAL

Preface
So,
You wake up one morning.
It’s the wrong side of the Bed. A pneumatic hammer-crowbar is going rat-a-rat-a-tat on the footpath out side.
No, it’s not out side, it’s in your head. You pull yourself out of bed – your tongue feels like a furry caterpillar and your breath is so bad, you can’t smell it yourself. A minute in the loo and you work your way groggily down to the kitchen / dining area of your flat / house / castle / palace / hovel / hut. It is empty.
“Where’s my morning coffee / tea?” you think / say / croak / shout / scream, “Wife ….. Wife!! Where’s the bloody bitch?!”
And then, in a flash of realization, the events of the previous night come back to you in a rush.
The big fight. The arguments, the acrimony, the swear words, the foul language, the violence. Fleeting visions of things being thrown, of the wife packing all “her” belongings up. Or, she was already packed when you staggered, drunk to the front door at 2 am? The sound of her banging the door shut when she left. Oh yes, she did leave didn’t she? And said this was final and she’d never come back again…. You wonder if it was just a bad dream? No…. the bruise on your knuckle starts hurting now, so you did biff her. Or, vice-versa the one on your jaw where SHE biffed you … these are for real….
Your stomach starts growling. You remember that you had nothing to eat last night. No dinner. And today, no morning coffee or tea. Then it hits you. You’re starving.
“Now what shall I eat?” Then you remember last night:
“…. you have no thanks or appreciation for all I do for you …. You never complement me on my cooking … now you can bloody well starve…” she’d said …. “Oh … I can cook myself …” you had defied. “I can learn…” you had challenged.
Really ?!!. Well the time has come for you to fulfill your boast … or eat your words.

Checklists, first!
First of all, cooking needs heat. Check if you have any of these things:
Gas Stove or Range. Check if there is Gas in the Cylinder. How do you do this? Light up a match, turn one of the gas control knobs to the right (clockwise) and see if the hiss of gas coming out is there and the flame burns steadily. If there is unevenness in the flame or a soft “Buk-Buk” sound, the cylinder may be on its last legs. Call the gas Company (if you can find the number somewhere) and book another cylinder.
If you don’t find the Gas stove which SHE carted away with everything else, try to remember if there is an old kerosene stove somewhere. These come in two varieties – “Wick” & “Pump”. The first is quite sooty and Smokey and the second is downright dangerous to work with, so don’t use either unless you are familiar with them. Also, you will need kerosene – If you have a Ration Card, you may get “Blue” Kerosene from the Fair Price Shop in quite limited quantity, but at a Government Controlled Price. Else ask your friendly neighborhood provision store / fag shop and find of how and where you can buy “White” Kerosene – at “Black” Market price, of course. Don’t try to use Petrol or Diesel – one can set off a 9/11 type World Trade Center catastrophe, the other can fill your flat with a thick pall of Industrial Pollution.
Perhaps there is an Electric Stove. Before you go rushing to plug it in and switch it on, a few precautions are best followed. Place a piece of plywood / wood on the Kitchen floor in front of the stove to stand on. Wear a “Hawaii” or rubber chappal. Get a “tester”, plug in the gadget, switch on touch it to the stove body and check there if is “live current”. And oh yes, check that there is electricity, in the first place, and it’s not one of those “Load Shedding” periods.
There may be other Cooking Gadgets running on Electricity. You may find an Electric Kettle or a Rice Cooker. The Kettle heats water – in some of them you can even drop in the tea leaves. (my old room mate – another “Abandoned Husband” had one, he thought it was to be used only for heating his Shaving Water!!). If you have a Rice Cooker, consider yourself very fortunate. You can cook both Rice and Vegetables in most of these. However, with all Electric Gadgets following the “shock” precaution mentioned above (Wood piece to stand on, Rubber Chappal and “tester”) is recommended.
If you find you have a Microwave, you may never find the User Manual in your home. Better note the Brand & Model Number and go to the Internet and check out the catalogue on Google. Is it a “Heater” or a “Cooker” or an “Oven”? Download the user manual, any recipes the manufacturer may have generously provided and read these before using. Modern technology is quite complicated.
If you find you’re left with other exotic equipments – a fridge, a “mixie”, an oven – electric or otherwise, juice blender, wet grinder etc. you are well advised to spend all your spare time cooking and improving your culinary skills till you achieve a “cordon bleau” proficiency and extract that sweet revenge by inviting HER for that special gourmet dinner.
Remember, History has shown that men can make better cooks – they can learn to enjoy it, while for women – wives, particularly – it will always be drudgery and a chore! 

Cooking Vessels – Check what are there.
Cooking Vessels come in a variety of shapes, metals, non-metals and sizes. First take an inventory of all that you can find. Segregate them first into vessels that you can cook in and vessels you can store / serve food in. Stack them separately so that you don’t get confused.
Pots and Pot-shaped vessels are usually used to cook in. Generally, these involve boiling at some stage in each of the dishes. Pans are used to fry things in oil. Flatter vessels – Sauce Pans & “Tavaas” are used to Roast  or sauté.
The thicker the Vessel or at least the bottom of the vessel is, the better it is to cook in. Don’t use Stainless steel vessels thinner than “20 gauge” for cooking. (higher gauge numbers defines thinner metal).  Stainless steel is better than Aluminum for any corrosive or acidic ingredients – like lemon, tamrind, tartaric acid.
Brass & Copper Vessels which were quite common in an earlier age are going quite out of fashion nowadays. If you do find these, check that the inner surface is “tinned” or the “tinning” is intact and not scratched. This process is (was till a few years back) done by iterant  artisans who usually carry a blower fan, the chemicals – acids and fluxes for tinning and the soft – lead-tin-antimony alloy they use. The Vessel is placed face down on a small charcoal fire which is heated by air blown though it and at the right heat, the artisan puts in the acid, flux and ingredients and as the alloy melts, coats it round the interior of the vessel with a cloth. If you get a vessel freshly “tinned” first fill it up with water to the brim, boil the water and throw it away before using it to cook.
However, I think this practice is dying out. I find that these “iterant tinning artisans” are also very rarely seen nowadays.
This “tinning” which contains lead was done to not let the Copper in the Brass poison the food. There were some views that the lead could cause lead poisoning, but this was never proved. In fact, most Tamil Households used a pure lead vessel to cook rasam in with no apparent affects of heavy metal poisoning. I you are lucky to have inherited one of these, (don’t think you’ll ever find it in a shop anymore), never put it on the stove unless it is three quarter full with water.
 “Tavaas” and even some pans made of Wrought or Cast Iron are the best for roasting Chappatis or Dosas. But they need to be scrubbed quite hard after use and also tend to build up rust if unused.
“Non-Stick”  or Teflon Coated cooking vessels are quite common nowadays. These are a must if you are a “cholesterol watcher” as cooking can be done with minimum oil. However, while cooking you need to use special wooden Spatulas or Stirrers as metal ones will scrape the inner surface and damage the Teflon Coating.
If you use a Microwave, never put any metallic vessel inside – always use only Ceramic, Fiber or Plastic which has been specifically approved / rated for microwave use.
There is also the new fangled “Induction Stove”. This is a kind of Microwave. You need a whole set of special “Induction Cooking” vessels for these. They have a bottom copper cladding and are made of non-magnetic metals.

The Indispensible Pressure Cooker
That the Pressure Cooker actually was available in India only in the 1950s was a quaint travesty of  Indian Legal History. The Boiler Vessels Act 0f 1861 had specified that any steam boiler in which the pressure reached 2 atmospheres needed to be certified and inspected every 6 months by a government appointed Boiler Inspector. In the 1950s, Mr. T.T.Krishnamachari, then Finance Minister in the Government of Pandit Jawarhal Nehru used his influence to secure a “blanket” certification of Prestige Pressure Cookers which he started manufacturing. Using his influence again, he ensured no other company got this privilege – till Hawkins fought a seven year legal battle under the Monopolies and Restrictive Trade Practices Act and got clearance for their Cooker Design too. In the decades that followed, “Prestige” became synonymous with the Pressure Cooker and by the 1980s, its usage had percolated down from the Urban Upper Income Classes right down to the average Rural Household and became a sure fixture in every Indian Kitchen.
But, the dangers of a Vessel boiling water in a closed compartment and building up an uncontrollable pressure – as envisaged by the Law Makers of British India in the 19th. Century actually remain. All Pressure Cookers are built with at least two Safety Devices – which will release unwanted pressure build-up.
So, you’ll most likely find the Pressure Cooker. Now search and find all its accompanying components. Most important are the “Gasket” a rubber ring that fits into the cover. The other is the “weight” a metal cap that has a spike in the centre and sits on the steam vent on top of the cooker. There will be an extra safety valve on the lid – check that this does not appear worn out.
When you load the Pressure cooker with whatever needs to be cooked, make sure the “Gasket” is not dry, but wet it under the tap. The Pressure works on the principle that the Boiling Temperature of Water rises with Pressure – Inside the cooker this could be around 1100 Centigrade. When the Pressure reaches the threshold level, the “weight” will lift with a loud release of excess steam and fall back. This will repeat again as the pressure rises.
The right amount of cooking is measured in the number of such “whistles”. Fresh vegetables are usually half boiled with one whistle – for “Chinese” dishes these need to be “half-boiled” only. Vegetables are usually fully done on the second whistle. For Rice & Dals, wait for the third whistle. For tougher meats you can indulge in a couple more “whistles” if you like your meats well done.
Anything beyond five, and you’ll land up with an unmanageable messy mash.
Most Pressure Cookers come with a variety of Containers which go into them. If there are three – one is for Rice, One for Dal and the last for Vegetables. If they stack vertically, stack them in this same order – Rice at the bottom, Dal in the Center and Vegetables on top.  Before closing the Pressure Cooker, make sure there is at least ½” of water at the bottom and the first container rests on another “spacer plate” and is not in direct contact with the Pressure Cooker bottom.
You may also find a Set of “Idli” plates as part of your Pressure Cooker Peripherals. If not, get this from a shop which fits your Cooker Brand & Size and you can enjoy fresh Idlis for Breakfast. However, you must remember that the Gasket and the Weight are not used while steaming Idlis.

Provisions, Condiments, Ingredients, Groceries, etc.
Cooking Vessels – are just that – you can’t eat them and you need stuff that goes inside.
So, first open out all the Kitchen Shelves, look in the larder and take an inventory of what there is. Check out the quantities and make another list of what you may need to replenish in the near future. If you’re the typical “greenhorn at cooking” ABANDONED HUSBAND, you’ll be confronted with a plethora of different colored liquids, powders, grains, dried items which seem to make no sense at all.
If you are so unfortunate, it is time to get some help. Ask the maid. Call mom from the village. Call your sister / aunt / relative who knows to cook. Or, the next door neighbor.
Once you’ve located some kind soul to help you, follow these steps.
  1. Open each container and ask what it is.
  2. Keep a set of stickers, write the ingredient’s name and stick it on the container. Remember where you stack it.
  3. Lightly smell the stuff to familiarize yourself with it. Don’t inhale strongly – most of these can be more powerful than “sneezing powder”.
  4. Lick your forefinger, dip it in the powder and taste it.
  5. Keep a hanky ready and a glass of water – you’ll need it after smelling and tasting the Chili Powder.
Garam Masala, Sambhar Powder, Rasam Powder – these look the same and the differences in smell and taste are quite subtle. Make sure you learn to identify these correctly.
Here is a list of some condiments you may find (and will need to keep a stock of):
  1. Turmeric or Haldi Powder (this is auspicious to Hindus. My mom said always put Haldi powder on top of you grocery shopping list – even if you have it). It is a strong natural Antiseptic and an even stronger vegetable Dye! So don’t wear your office shirts while cooking – get an apron.
  2. Salt. “Free Flowing Iodized” Brands are available now. But “Rock Salt” is sometimes better tasting. Black Salt is a “chaat” masala and has very limited usage.
  3. Sugar. Some health freaks recommend Jaggery or Brown Sugar – specially that made from Palm trees in Kerala / Tamilnadu, but White Sugar is acceptable to all.
  4. Chili Powder, Garam Masala, Sambhar Powder, Rasam Powder – the “khaara – ness” or Pungency of the powder is dependant on the variety of chilies that went into it. Some, like “Simla Mirch” from North India are quite mild, but have a good strong red color. The Andhra ones – “Guntur” are quite fiery!
  5. Dhania Powder is the dried, powdered seeds of the Dhania Herb. If you are using a ready made packaged Sambhar Powder or Garam Masala, you will not need it as it is already mixed in these.
  6. Mustard Seed (Tamil – Kadugu / Kannada – Sasuwe / Hindi – Sarson) – These are small brownish black oil seeds and can be easily confused with Ragi Millet Grains. Bite into a seed – the slightly sharp taste differentiates the mustard from the Ragi.
  7. Jeera – This dried small seed can be confused with Saunf – both look the same. Both Mustard and Jeera are essential seasoning inputs in all types of Indian cooking.
  8. Ajino-moto or Mono Sodium Glucotonomate is used in Chinese Cuisine. Some consider it unhealthy for a variety of reasons, also referred to as Tasting Powder as it brings up the taste of other ingredients.
  9. Black Pepper – The oldest spice from India – the one export that set off Colonialization in the 15th. Century and brought the Europeans to India. You may find it whole or in powdered form. The Black Powdered Pepper is better for cooking, there is also a White Variety which is used as “Table” Pepper along with “Table” salt in the more up-market classes of restaurants.
  10. Til or Gingely Seeds – These may be Black or White. It is an oil seed occasionally required. Black Til seeds are essential in certain Brahmanical rituals.
  11. Methi (Mendhiam) – seeds of the Methi Spinach plant. These are usually added in the Sambhar powder.
  12. Tamarind – The ripened, dried and de-seeded fruits of the Tamarind tree is the primary source of the “sour” taste in Indian Cooking – two varieties are available – a Black variety which is very sharp and another (Referred as “Malur Puli”) is reddish brown and slightly sweet. The Tamarind Tree grows almost all over India, but in the North, sometimes “Aam Pappad” a processed form of Green Mangoes is used instead of Tamarind.
  13. Cinnamon Bark (or Dal Chini). This is used to spice Dals, Biriyanis and North Indian Dishes. It can also be added to Tea to give “Masala Tea”.
  14. Cardamom and Cloves: these are usually used together – in both sweets and savories.
  15. Zafran – Saffron – The world’s costliest spice – it is the stamens of a flower that grows only in the Kashmir Valley – used in both sweets – especially Kheers and also in rice pallavas / biriyanis.
  16. Vinegar, Liquid Essences, Various Sauces – Chili, Tomato, etc. You are likely to find these in their original bottles, so you should not have trouble identifying them. However, add them to your inventory list for future use.
This list is by no means exhaustive. You may find several other condiments – specific to the region or community you come from and whether you are vegetarian or non-vegetarian.
At anytime, you will need “green masalas” which have a shelf life only one day outside and a few days inside the fridge. These include Dhania & Curry Leaves (Kothamalli & Karvepyellai), Green Chillies. Ginger and Garlic can be kept somewhat longer. Onions can also be kept for about a week – a bit longer during a drier and hotter summer.
Check what vegetables have been left behind and their state. Green Vegetables which have “date expired” will present a shriveled appearance or have started rotting. Tubers – potatoes etc. may keep a few days more. Leafy green spinaches need to be used within a few hours of your buying it. Never keep them overnight. Throw out anything you can not use – into the municipal garbage or a compost pit if you have one – they make very good composted fertilizer.
Coconut – that very South Indian, thing is also highly perishable - once it is cracked open. If you are going to eat alone, half a grated coconut is usually enough for a couple of days; or a couple of different dishes. Also any dish made with coconut will not “keep” even for 24 hours – perhaps maximum two days in the Chiller of your Fridge. So, I usually give away at least half of the coconut to the neighbor or the maid. Copra – dried coconut is a more convenient substitute, but the resultant taste is not quite the same.  
You may discover more than one variety of Pulses – Dals or Lentils. The cooking type Dals – Moong, Arhar (or Toor), Urud, Maroor, Channa will be shorn of their shells and split in halves. If you find them whole – with the carapaces on, keep these for sprouting and then cooking or eating raw as a salad. Sprouted Dals (and Cereals / millets) are very healthy containing good quantities of Vitamins.
Finally, identify the Ceareals – Rice & Wheat. If you are a Keralite, “Par-Boiled Rice” – which is not shining white and slightly rounded will be your staple diet. If you are used to Polished white rice, any Boiled Rice or Granulated Rice you find is meant for Idlis & Dosas.

Getting Started: Make a cup of Tea.
Oh … I’d completely forgotten. To go back here you were – the first morning of becoming an “ABANDONED HUSBAND”, and you’ve still not had your morning Cup of Tea!!!.
And … Oh yes… you’ve also got this splitting hang-over from last night. Take a Disprin, Alka-Seltzer, or whatever you usually did. Worst-comes-to-worst have that stiff drink you usually do on such mornings, but have it neat without water after breaking a raw egg into it and adding half tea spoon of salt. This is called an “egg-nog”. Most likely you’ll throw up immediately, but your hangover will disappear. Promise, no swear, off drinks for ever – you’ve done it often enough to the wife, but now do it to yourself and decide to go for an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in the evening. Become honest – alcohol – most times it is what creates “ABANDONED HUSBANDS” !!
Now you’re ready for the first lesson:
Tea, Coffee Powder, Sugar, I hope you found these. Check on milk. It probably is on the doorstep where the milk-man usually leaves it at sunrise. Or you may have to go to the shop / milk booth.
Take the cleanest stainless steel vessel you can find and pour the milk out into it from the satchet / bottle / container. If it is packaged milk, check the label – is it Toned, Double Toned, Diet or whole. The Fat %age will be marked. If it is 3% or more you can add some water – about 25%, before you put it on the stove.
If you are lucky enough to posses a “boil-over proof” Milk Boiler – this is a two walled vessel with an outer jacket into which you pour water and has a whistle which will tell you the milk is cooked enough. Wait till the whistle blows about a minute before taking the vessel off the stove.
But if you don’t have a boil proof Milk Cooker…. Once you light the stove … DON’T MOVE AN INCH AWAY. DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE, SIT AT YOUR COMPUTER, READ THE NEWSPAPER, GO TO THE LOO… all this can wait for the few minutes that the milk will take to boil. Or boil over … which it will very rapidly. Keep a dish cloth or tongs ready to take the milk vessel off the stove the moment it starts boiling and rising rapidly. “No use crying over spilt milk” is well said – you can loose up to three quarter of the milk you put in seconds.
Now, check out the tea you have and remember how you usually preferred your morning tea. If you find the tea is larger leaves – grown in a highland estate, like Darjeeling, you cannot drink it anyway but “English” style – Boil Water, pour the water into a teacup, add the leaves – not more than half a tea spoon, let it brew for two minutes, stir, add sugar / milk / cream according to your liking and drink when still reasonably hot. Do not reheat, though you can warm it up in a microwave.
If the Tea looks like a dust tea or is in the form of shriveled granules (This is called CTC or Cut, Turned & Curled), you can brew it for some time (up to 5 minutes) on the stove in Boiling water or a mix of water and milk, with the sugar added too. This will give the stronger full bodied tea you get in the road-side tea stalls. Strain it out and drink from a glass or a “tumbler”.
If you want a “masala tea”, add a sprig of crushed ginger, a small piece of cinnamon bark, two cardamoms, a single crystal of rock salt and sugar to the milk / water mix before it starts boiling.
Coffee is a bit more complicated. So if you’re used to this caffeine carrier in the mornings, better to get sachets of an Instant coffee, mix with boiled milk and sugar till you can learn to use whatever coffee making implements and specific powders you have discovered in your kitchen.

Dish: 1 : Kichidi
If you’ve been following all the above diligently, it’s now about lunch time of your first day as an ABANDONED HUSBAND.
So, we will start today with a single simple dish – rice and whatever else you can find – involving a single cooking vessel.
A word about measurements: You’ll find all cookbooks use measurements – Volume can be used for both liquids as well as powders both fine as well as granulated like Rice, Dals etc. Sometimes weights may be mentioned. Numbers can also be used. Many of your crockery & cutlery items – spoons – they come in three sizes –  ice-cream, tea & table spoons, cups, are also used as measuring devices. What is a cup? If you are a drinking man, use your booze glass – a cup full is a “Ninety” – 90 ml or a “Patiala Peg”. Spoonfuls can be measured out heaped up or leveled out. Some whole items – vegetables etc. may be mentioned in numbers – you need to bear in mind that vegetables can come in a range of sizes – some small, some medium sized and some large – even in the same bunch you pick up from the grocers. Words like a “drop”, a “dash”, a “pinch”, may add further to the seeming confusion.
The worst I have found to comprehend is “Salt to Taste” !!...??
Adding the right amount of salt requires a bit of experience. And unfortunately, trial and error. It is better to add a little less salt as you can always add a bit more if you don’t find the dishes salty enough after cooking.
For the “Khichidi”, a generic kind of metaphoric term which signifies an unplanned mix of things, you will need a cupful of Rice – whatever variety you have and half a cup of Dal – again any variety you find (Toor, Moong, Maroor, Channa – but not Urud).
Take one medium / large sized onion. Cut away the two the top and bottom ends of the Onion with a sharp knife, split the onion into two hemispheres and peel away the dry skin layers. Place the flat cut sides on the cutting board – if you don’t have one or haven’t found it use a flat piece of wood. Slice along the “meridians” round each hemisphere splitting the onion into crescent shaped bits.1/8” wide.
Aah … your eyes sting. Try dipping the onion into water before cutting– sometimes this does not help though. Can’t be helped, in this cooking thing you’ve got to get used to it. “No pain, no gain” as they say!!! Take six segments of Garlic – peal them and slit them lengthwise.
Now look for what vegetables you can find. Other than Green leafy stuff like spinach, you can use almost anything available. Cut into 1 sq. cm. sized bits. The total amount of vegetables should not be more than a cupful.
Now to the actual cooking. You can use the pressure cooker – provided it is of 5 liters size or less – or you can use the “Pressure Pan” – a cooking pan on which the Pressure cooker Lid fits. Alternatively you can make do with any pot – which can hold at least 3 liters of water.
Put the Pot / Pan / Pressure cooker on the stove. Adjust the heat / flame to a medium level. Wait till any moisture / water in the pan dries up and then pour in 1/3 cup of Cooking Oil (For the drinking man – this is a “thirty” or one small peg).
Put in a small piece (1 sq.cm) of cinnamon bark and measure in one teaspoon of Jeera. Once the Jeera starts sizzling and crackling, add the Sliced Onion and Garlic. Let these sauté – turn brown and add half a desert spoon of Haldi Powder.
Now either add a tea spoon of Red Chili powder, Four Dried Red Chillies – broken up or three green chilis cut into 1 cm lengths. Add ANY ONE, OR YOUR ALIMENTARY CANAL WILL BE ON FIRE AT BOTH ENDS!! If you have Garam Masala, add a tea spoon of this too.
Now put in the Rice and the Dal – after washing them. Stir the thing for a few minutes. Now put in the sliced vegetables.
If you are using a pressure cooker, pour in three cups of water. If you are using a Pot pour in four cups of water. Add a teaspoonful – heaped of salt.
Close the Pressure Cooker lid and take it off after the second whistle. If you are using a pot, cover it with a dish till the stuff starts frothing over, then remove the cover. Keep stirring occasionally. Take off when you can see that the rice has cooked. Add a little more water, if it runs dry and starts singing on the bottom surface.
The quantities mentioned will serve one – amply, perhaps two – comfortably. If there are more “diners”, just double the quantity.
Serve & eat hot – a packet of potato chips is a good add-on.

Chapter 2: Seasoning:
“When the RASAM has KODHICHEED take it off the stove and TAALICHIFY it with KADUGU and KARVEPILLAI. Heat the oil in a thick iron KARANDI and put in the KADUGU. When the KADAGU starts VEDICHEEING, throw in the KARVEPILLAI and immediately plunge the KARANDI with its contents into the RASAM. A good “CHOINN” SATHAM means the heat of TAALICHIFICATION is just correct. Never let the KARAVEPILLAI THEETHIFY from too much heat or too long frying.”
Wife teaching her (westernized) daughter to cook.
Have you wondered how Indian Dishes get that distinctive South Indian or North Indian Taste? It is in the “seasoning”. In south Indian dishes, this can be done before or after the cooking procedure of the main ingredients. In Rasams, it is usually done after taking the boiling rasam off the stove.
Mostly, seasoning is done using a separate large Iron Ladle. A few teaspoons of oil – any will do, but “Nalla Yennai” or Gingely / Til Oil is best to get that typical “TamBram taste”. Unrefined Groundnut Oil is next best, Refined commercial oils like Palmoelin, Sunflower etc. to be used only for economic constraints. About fifty years ago Ghee used to be used, but seems to have gone out of fashion – due to the economic / cost factor.
The important thing about seasoning – both North & South Indian styles is the order in which the ingredients are put in. This is because each thing best cooks at its defined temperature. The driest things go in first and those with moisture last – each item brings down the oil temperature.
In most South Indian Dishes, the following sequence is recommended:
  1. First heat the oil – either in a large Cast / Wrought Iron Ladle or Kadai.
  2. Put in the Asefotedia – “Perungayam” or “Hing”. The best type is to use the Solid Rock Like Type. A few small crystals ( not more than a few micrograms) will do. Another type – the powdered variety is better added after the dish is fully set -  the slightest sprinkle will do. Asefotedia is an acquired taste  - not everyone likes it.
  3. Once the Perungayam has “puffed” up, put in about half teaspoon each of Kadalai (Channa) Dal and Ultham (Urud or Black Gram). These must be split and without the jackets – These Dals have distinct flavors which get released into the oil.
  4. If you are adding Red Dried Chillies, do so just as the Dals start “browning”. This will bring down the temperature for a bit.
  5. Once the Dals are browned, put in the Kadugu (Mustard seed). As it starts popping, throw in the Karvepillai (Curry Leaves). Take off immediately from the stove and plunge the ladle contents into the Sambhar or Rasam. This will release the different tastes. In rasams you could garnish the hot rasam with Green Dhania Sprigs, but do not boil further.
If you are preparing a “vadhakal” – a dried Boiled Vegetable, boil the Vegetables – anything other than Vendekai (Ladies Finger) first in the cooker before and drain away all the excess water. Add this into the Kadai and stir. Sprinkle about 2 tablespoons of Coconut (Grated Fine) if you like. Add a half teaspoon of Manjai podi (Turmeric Powder), a teaspoon or more of salt according to the total quantity and stir for about 2/3 minutes.
Pre-cooking the Vegetables is only advised because this saves fuel. You can put them in raw too – Vendekai particularily, but you have to then wait till they cook completely – you need to cover the Kadai and keep stirring quite regularly so that the ingredients don’t “catch” onto the hot surface of the Kadai.
This will require a bit of practice too – managing the “Idduki” (Tongs) in one hand and the “Karaandi” – Cooking Spattle in the other hand will definitely leave you with a few hot burns on your fingers till you get the hang of it.
I use the Microwave to Pre-cook Green Vegetables like Beans, Ladies Finger, cabbage – even potatoes, put them in a Microwave dish washed and cut, but without any water and set on “Green Vegetables”. Sometimes I need to do it a couple of times to get the Veggies properly pre-cooked.
“Keerais” (spinaches) do not need any pre-cooking. Just wash them and cut up as fine as possible and add after the seasoning is done. All leafy greens will “shrink” on cooking to about 20% of the original pre-cooked quantity, so what looks like a large amount will become very little on cooking. They cook very fast too. Highly recommended to add to your daily diet – they are cheap and very healthy foods.
North Indian type seasoning follows the same concept of frying the ingredients in oil to release their individual flavors and here too the order in which each is added is important – decided by the temperatures that the oil reaches as each thing is thrown in.
To get a correct UP /Bihar “Bhaiya” taste – “Kaduvaa Tel” or Mustard Oil is best – it has that bitter pungent taste which is right. “Desi Ghee” or Vanspathi  - “Dalda” is actually a Brand Name of a Tata Oil Mills product which gained generic notoriety – an interesting case study for BBM & MBA Students.
But of late “Dalda” has become associated with “cholestrol” and many think it is unhealthy. Actually I think, food cooked in it and eaten hot immediately is quite OK. It is on re-heating it is supposed to become a bit unhealthy. Some say all this is a big scam by the MNCs making refined Sunflower & Palm Oils to discredit the use oif freshly pressed natural oils. If you can find an oil mill in your area – Groundnut, Mustard or Gingili – buy the freshest you can buy and for at least two weeks this unrefined oil will retain all its flavor, nutrients, vitamins and minerals you need.
To make a nice “Northie” tasting Masala, follow the sequence:-
  1. Heat the oil in a Kadai.
  2. Put in one leaf of “Kadi Paththa” – dried and a piece of “Dal Chinni” (Cinnamon Bark). These are the driest ingredients.
  3.  Once these brown, put in one teaspoon of Jeera (Cummin Seed). Wait till it crackles.
  4. Add sliced onions – ideally into crescents as described earlier.
  5. When the onions have browned, put in “Haldi” (Turmeric Powder) and “Mirchi” (Red chilli powder). “Simla Mirch” powder gives an excellent taste, a nice crimson color, but is not very “khaara”. This can be got from the “Garam Masala Powder”.
  6. Add Ginger Garlic Paste – about a table spoon. Nowadays, you get this readymade, in the old days you had the laborious task of peeling garlic and ginger and grinding them on an “Ammi” or Quern. (There are two Varieties – the South Indian “Ammi” is larger and made of Granite, the Pestle is  also bigger / heavier and grasped at the sides and rolled over the ingredients. The North Indian version is made of Sandstone and the Pestle is smaller and gripped on the top and scraped over the stuff to be ground. I still have one I acquired 35 years ago – from a “bhang” shop in Allahabad.)
  7. Once the Ginger Garlic Paste has browned a bit, put in about two table spoons of “Garam Masala”. This is an exotic mixture of Chilli Powder, Dhania Powder and several other spices. There are several brands in the market. I hope to get a detailed listing of the stuff which goes in and after some trials (and errors) I plan to give you a detailed recipe for making your own “Garam Masala Powder”.
  8. The last ingredient is the sourness – you can user Tomatoes or even Tamrind solution or concentrate. “Aamchur” a powder extracted from green mangoes if available is the best alternative.
  9. Once the Tomatoes are fully cooked, you can put in the main ingredients – best to have them pre-cooked – Potatoes, Peas, any Vegetables, Panneer (Cottage Cheese) pre- deep fried, Khoftas – pre fried pakaros of “Basin” – Channa Dal powder and any other ingredients etc. Let the whole thing boil for some time so that the flavor penetrates everything – add salt according to the total quantity and garnish just before taking off the stove with chopped Green Dhania (Kothamalli) leaves.
  10. Serve this dish with a side plate containing a raw onion sliced, slices of cucumber, a large green chilli and half a lemon.
DISH : 2: Jail Food:

When I was a small boy and got into trouble for anything (which was rather quite often), my father would admonish me:
“Daai, nee Jail poittu More Kali thinnuve” (You will go to Jail and have to eat “More Kali”).
And then, my mother would make up some “More Kali” and serve for either breakfast or the afternoon Tiffin – with sugar for me and Dosai Molaga Podi for my father.
I liked the taste of this pasty repast – definitely better than a “Sooji / Ravaa Uppumau”.
It used to make me think that, perhaps, jail would not be such a bad experience, after all I’ll get “More Kali” every day!!!
Most of us South Indians – especially the TamBram variety cannot live without curds (Yoghurt). The Abandoned Husband often finds that he has curd left over – whether bought from the Diary / Store or made at home by “seeding” milk with a dash of “starter” curd. (“Porai”). Within a day or two in a place like Bangalore and sometimes even half a day in a hotter humid place like Chennai or Erode, the left over Curd will sour and by mixing water and giving it a stiff “Churn” can be made into “More” or Sour Butter Milk.
Due to its sourness, many are inclined to throw it away … but I’ve found uses … the sourer the better. I can make “more Kozhumbu”, a spiced buttermilk soup which is quite common in Kerala and called “Kadi” in North & Western India. Or I can use it with MTR’s instant Rava Idli Mix. Added to Wheat flour (Atta), Ragi Flour I can make Wheat or Ragi Dosas.
Or I can make “More Kali”.
Dissolve two tablespoons per tea cup of Sour Butter Milk and let it soak for half an hour. Add a half teaspoon of salt per cup too.
In a Kadaai, prepare the seasoning (South Indian) as indicated in the previous pages. You can add chopped onions too at the end of the 5th step above or put in a dozen dried “Shundakaais” (a dried berry soaked in Brine).
When all the seasoning is done pour in the Rice Flour solution and keep stirring. First the color will change to a glassy cream color and then it will start thickening. Keep stirring constantly as the mixture will otherwise “catch” the bottom of the vessel. It is done when it really becomes thick and the stirring difficult. Take off and serve after it cools a bit – with sugar or Molugai Podi.
This is indeed a quick and easy Breakfast / Tiffin to put together.
Since I wrote the First Chapter, I’ve been getting back a lot of responses. Here they are (so far). Do keep sending your comments & suggestions – it will drive me to write more.
Rama Sethu Ranga Nathan likes this.
Raiza Ashraf a perfect guide for ladies too
John Pollard Well done Chode
Malini Rajendran Neat, great. The condiment list is a bit exotic. Just to add tomato do just as well as tamarind and you don't have to worry about colour or acidity levels which change in different types of tamarind. And of course you can collect the tamarind seeds they make excellent bean bags or bean pillows or just good for ludo and other board games.
 ‎@Malini, actually I think I've forgotten some - that most important South Indian ingredient - Perungayam!!
Vijayaraghavan Narasimhan Good show. You hv to add Vazha elay the indian counterpart of a plate. For this u need to have a page on how to grow a Vazha Maram
Smitha Ram dats quite a read....keep it up sir :)
comes handy for a lotta girls like me too....
‎@smitha - Can you list a few simple things you'd like to learn - Like making an omlette etc. ... I'll add. Maybe even more complicated like ... baingan bartha...?
Rama Sethu Ranga Nathan ‎//"my old room mate – another “Abandoned Husband” had one, he thought it was to be used only for heating his Shaving Water!!"//
............do I know him!!!!LOL!!!!

Great Article...Keep Writing....God Bless....Regards...Rama
Smitha Ram well.. how about idiyappam, kulipaniyaram . & see if u can get some recipies which can be refregerated & used for a loong time. Eg i'd this recipie to make a kind of veg stock which could be preserved for over a week. Also what is imp 4 "abandoned husbands" would be how one " base" or "dish " can be converted into another. Eg If you make dal today & have some leftover u cud use it to make rasam tomorow. ;)
‎@smitha .. actually, I've not got down to writing more stuff what with my almost daily gigs and odd classes too. The ideas are good ... to have stuff that can be kept in a fridge for a looong time! But that's assuming the Abandoned Husband... is left with a Fridge!!!... I dont have one, never needed it in Bangalore's salubrious climate. But there a few things I need to work on the second chapter - simpler things like how to "season" South Indian Style, quick breakfasts and what to do with left over, soured curd... I dont know how to make idiyappam or kulipaniyaram.
Rama Sethu Ranga Nathan Eagerly Waiting For The Next One!!
Meena Subramaniam: You poor man! Want to learn more recipes?






Next Chapter:

THE BITTER TRUTH

Of course, the ABANDONED HUSBAND is a Bitter soul. Won’t he be? Unless he gets a substitute wife / girlfriend or other Live-In. Then, perhaps, the bitterness may get slightly reduced – that is till this Bitch abandons him too…

Bitterness is a taste – one of FIVE PRIMARY tastes that the buds on the tongue can identify. The others are Sweet, Sour, Salty & Pungent (or Kaaram).

Bitterness is, they say an acquired taste. And I had to acquire it the hard way:

“Paavakaiye mudi da. Illata thalai le kattitu anupaven. (Finish all that Bitter Gourd or I’ll send you with it tied around your head)”. My mother used to say.

Paavakai or Bitter Gourd is just that – it is bitter with a bitterness that won’t go away easily. Of course, it is a very healthy food. The juice from Bitter Gourd is supposed to be the best therapeutic aid for Diabetics.  Hopefully, touch wood, I’m not diabetic, so I can’t vouch for that. I can’t even vouch that the fresh juice is not bitter but actually sweet. Recently I read somewhere that the medicinal benefit of Paavakai is a myth, perhaps even harmful to diabetics in excess. I don’t think this is true – it’s probably a canard by some MNC manufacturer of Dialysis Machines.

Amazingly, I’ve come across a sweet made in a North Indian “Halwaii” when I lived in Allahabad, UP. The Bitter Gourd was cut open on one side and after scooping out the inside pulp and seeds, it was boiled in Sugar Syrup. (The inside is stuffed with “Khova” – milk reduced to a solid). This process is quite common in North India – that is boiling in Sugar Syrup. These are called “Morrabba”. Other vegetables with which Morrabba can be prepared are Pumpkin and Amla (Indian Gooseberry). Pumpkin Morrabba is popular as “Agra ki Petteh”. (As opposed to “Mathura Ki Peda” – Don’t miss buying both if you travel to Agra or Mathura).  Fresh Orange peels Morrabba-fied is what the westerners know as “Marmalade”.

Neem (I must try to get the Latin Name) is a tree found almost everywhere in India. For thousands of years Neem twigs have been used by millions as Toothbrushes – and it carries its own Toothpaste too. Look out of the window when you travel across rural India on the wide network of Indian Railways in the early morning. You will find the rural population vigorously either chewing on Neem twigs or Defecating by the rushing railway line. Or probably doing both. Simultaneously.  If you are travelling through Kerala, you’ll also observe the locally gentry browsing the Daily Malayalam Manorama too. Simultaneously!

While you are getting ready to brush your teeth with your Colgate – basically just Chalk, Soap, Sugar & Clove Oil, and you use a biologically non-degradable plastic toothbrush, the bulk of rural India is performing the task in a much more environmentally friendly way!!

Neem leaves also have several uses. The most ridiculous one is in a kind of “Exorcism” practiced in remote Tamilnadu villages. Local Witch Doctors, Ojhas and other such charlatans and weird keepers of Kali Temples get young girls supposedly “possessed” by the Devil whipped mercilessly by branches of Neem.

Neem is supposed to have such a wide range of medicinal properties and uses – it is a one-stop medical shop. Today, it is used in Toothpastes, Soaps, Hair Oils, Anti-Dandruff Shampoos, Face creams and such goos of all shades – both branded and non-branded. Recently the Neem tree was tried be hijacked as Intellectual Property Right by an unscrupulous US multinational, but the International Court ruled against it.

My introduction to the bitterness of Neem was equally hard and at a very young age. My grandfather had this huge sprawling bungalow in T. Nagar, Chennai – set in a huge half acre plot with big halls, rooms, kitchens, bathing rooms and no toilets! And several Neem Trees too! We cousins would meet in our Holidays and romp around the big building generally creating mayhem. Our grandmother would put us through the torture of “Vepam Uroondai” treatment – it was supposed to be a cure all – especially the wide variety of worms each of us cousins had come with from assorted corners of the country. This consisted of a paste, essentially neem leaves, with various other ingredients – “Omum” – a kind of herb from which the indispensible “Waterbury’s Compound” was made, Vendhiam or Methi (Fenugreek) other bitter abominations. The resultant paste ball was totally inedible. So all the mothers and aunts were deputed to grab each kid by the neck, hold his/her nose and force it down the throat with no regard for the wails and struggles from two dozen bratty kids of assorted ages. The “Medicine Ball” was also a strong laxative and the ritual came to a finale soon after  with all us kids straddling a deep trench in a long line for a “community Shit”.

In Indian cooking, Bitterness is quite accepted. In fact, it is celebrated by many communities on the occasion of the New Year. For the Tamils, this comes mid-April (13th to 15th.) and known as “Varusha Porrappu”. For the Andhras & Kannada peoples, it comes on the New Moon nearest to that date. The significance of Neem and its Bitterness, is an acceptance that life is neither all sweet or all bland, but each new year will invariably bring its share of Bitterness.

My favourite preparation for Varusha Porrappu is “Pachai Mangai Pachadi seasoned with Neem Flowers”.

The neem tree flowers, small white ones on separate flowering stalks, I think once a year – usually around March / April. The best cooking is done with freshly picked flowers, but dried and stored efflorescence is equally good. If the picking is delayed, the flowers will develop into fruit which are useful for purposes other than cooking, I think.

Take a green unripe mango – the more “tarty” or sour the better. The best variety is the ones used to make the fiery hot “Aavakai Oorgai (Pickle)”. But any variety will do – provided it is just unripe but full grown. The “pinju” or half grown green mangoes have another use – as “Vaddu Mangai Pickle”, in which these are soaked in a bath of very salty brine and red chillie powder in glass bottles – empty Horlicks bottles being the most popular and exposed to the burning hot sun on the “Mottai Madi”. That is the terrace, the literal translation means “bald upper floor”.

With a sharp pointed knife slit down the length of the green mango, but don’t cut into the very hard seed pod – anyway you can’t it’s too hard. Cut into 1 cm wide strips with the skin still on. Put these in a vessel with about 100 to 150 grams of  Jaggery (Brown Sugar). Use the variety that comes in balls rather than square blocks and is reddish in hue – the redder the better. Put in 2 cups of water and boil till all the jiggery dissolves and the mango strips turn “glassy”.

In a separate “Kadaai or Bandli” (Round frying pan) heat up some Til / Nalla Yennai (Gingelly Oil). Put in a few grains of Perungaiam (Asafetida)  and Seasoning of Urud & Channa dal (Ultham and Kadalai Parruppu). Put in 3 to 4 dried red chillies diced. When the dals have “browned” throw in a table spoon of NEEM FLOWERS and before they singe add the Jaggery and boiled Green Mangoes. Add salt too. Boil for about 5 mins. If it is too “watery” add a teaspoon of rice flour powder.

Paavakai or Bitter Gourd can be used as a replacement source for the bitterness too. Cut a Bitter gourd into half cm rings and scoop out the seeds and inner pith. Boil them separately in a fair amount of water, till the vegetable is cooked – it will change color. Throw out the water – or perhaps give it to a diabetic. Now boil 150 grams of Jaggery in Tamrind Water (Prepared by soaking Tamrind in water for an hour and the pulp squeezed out) and when the jaggery has dissolved add the cooked Bitter Gourd. Then proceed with the seasoning as before, but in place of Neem Flowers use “Kadugu” (Mustard Seed) and Karveip Yellai (Curry Leaves) as described in the previous chapters on “Taalichifying”.

The resultant dish is a “Pachchaddi” or side dish. It has ALL FIVE TASTES – Sweet, Sour, Khaara (Pungency of Chillies) and Salt. It is most importantly made in our TamBram houses on the Tamil New Year’s day.

Another interesting dish made from Bitter Gourd is “Paavakai Pittalai”. I’ve misplaced the recipe and I’ll have to make a trip to my Aunt’s place in Chennai and retrieve this and several other interesting cookery adventures.

Hope you will all keep following my blog. In my next chapter, I’ll try and tell you about several “podis” or instant powder mixes, indespensible for the ABANDONED HUSBAND.
 
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