The Abandoned Husband's Guide to Survival : WELCOME FEAST FOR THE PRODIGAL WIFE.(Last Chapter)

WELCOME FEAST FOR THE PRODIGAL WIFE.

The ABANDONED HUSBAND actually lives on HOPE. Hope that SHE will come back. Some day. When SHE left him, the ABANDONED HUSBAND had given HER a challenge. A challenge that HE would survive without HER. Survive by learning to COOK!

As the weeks / months / years passed the ABANDONED HUSBAND changed from being an ignoramus who couldn’t get a stove going or a make a cup of tea. Largely by trail, often by error he cut his fingers chopping, got scalded by boiling water, burnt by boiling oil,  got chili powder in his eyes sometimes, but more often from onions, almost became kebab when his clothes caught fire, added salt instead of sugar to the tea, over or undercooked the dish etc. But in due course of time, he became, not perhaps, a cordon bleu chef, but learnt to at least produce wholesome and tasty food. He had also learnt to produce an adequate meal using whatever was available and his own creativity.

Yes. Cooking is about Creativity. There is creativity on what you decide to cook. Creativity in what cereals, vegetables and meats you want to cook; even the vessels you use to cook. Creativity in your use of condiments and spices, in the sequences you use these while cooking, the heat and method of cooking. There is a creativity in the composition of the whole meal, the number and sequence of the courses and the way it is served.

The appearance of food on the table is most important. Presentation and packaging IS the product. It starts with “laying the table”.

Many years ago, my paternal Grandfather, Bashyam Iyengar, invited my maternal Grandfather KSK for lunch at his Mambalam, Chennai bungalow. Both were from the Military Accounts Department (Called MAD) and the latter was the former’s boss. Besides, KSK came from the IAAS and was a pucca Brown Sahib. My dad had come fresh out of Royal Indian Air Force Training which, among other things had taught him English Table Rules & Etiquette. Dad insisted the table had to be laid out like an English meal. My Dad and his Father kept changing the table layout and got into a violent argument when the guest, my other grandfather arrived. The guest got fed up and threatened to leave, when my grandmother saved the day by sweeping out all the porcelain, silver and other stuff away, removing the table cloth and replacing it with the traditional banana leaf. Which made sense as the meal was in any way a full TamBram lunch.

I once had an opportunity, as a school boy, to listen to a lecture by Dr. S. Radhakrishnan, former President of India. “No, I am not going to talk about Politics or Philosophy” he started, “but tell you about the benefits of eating food off a Banana Leaf.” Entirely bio-degradable it must be the most widely used form of plate to eat off from. Many traditional families – both urban and rural use it regularly and many at festivals. Many Hotels in South India serve “Saapaadu” on Banana leaf. An average South Indian Wedding could consume up to 5,000 Banana Leaves. An aunt of mine had a rather snide remark about families which tried to show off their vulgar ostentation at such a Big Fat Indian wedding:

“Kalyanaththilai avaal yechchai Vazhai Yellai le Vallakku Yennai Taduvi vuduva.”Literally translated it meant “these people throw out the used Banana Leaves after smearing Castor Oil on it”. At any wedding no guest can miss the piles of used Banana Leaves on top of the Garbage Heap right next to the Marriage Hall. The concept was that passersby would think “What a rich wedding meal. They must have cooked it all in tons of Ghee!”

The Banana Leaf is placed before the Guest already washed and clean. But just to re-assure the guest, he/she is given some water to sprinkle once again on the leaf and drained out on the floor. The leaf must be placed with the pointed end on the left of the guest. Preferably, the Table top or the floor on which the leaf is laid out should be a bit wet so that the leaf is not blown away by the wind or an over-fast fan. The center rib is tapped down flat (by the guest), so that both sections of the leaf are reasonably flat. A tumbler of drinking water is placed on the left and any smaller containers for Payyasam, Rasam and Butter milk are placed on the right side. All the “side Dishes” like “Poriyals”, “Kootus”, “Vaththals”, “Vadaams”, “Appalams” and “Oorgais” (Pickels) and any “Bakshanams” (Sweets) are served on the top half of the leaf. The staple foods Rice, Puliyogorai or any other “Kalandha Saathams” are served on the lower half nearest the Guest. Watery Sambhar, Rasam and Curd is poured over the rice at each course.

For the uninitiated this could be a disaster. Eating off a Banana Leaf is an acquired practice. As the server pours scalding hot rasam on already steaming hot rice, the guest is expected to push them all together with his fingers and prevent the rasam flowing off the leaf and off the table. I’ve seen the uninitiated (Usually ABCDs) get their pants wet and get their laps scalded by hot rasam.

The way to handle this is to first divide the hot riced served into two parts – sambhar and for rasam (Iyengar: Saathamudhu). Make a small crater into the rice heap and let the sambhar fill it up. Of course, your fingertips will get scalded – a small price to pay for a nice meal. An expert “sapaat raaman” (read gourmet connoisseur) would have perfected the art of scooping up the wateriest “more saatham” in a swift motion and lick it all up in a single swipe starting at the wrist. Some non-brams satirically say we TamBrams “start our licking as low as the elbow” and usually follow it by a mime of the action.

A typical TamBram lunch features at least three courses of rice and at least one sweet (Iyengar: Thirukannamadhu, Iyer: Paayasam). Two side vegetable dishes are prepared – a dry “Poriyal” with a green vegetable and a pasty “Podimass” with Potato or other Tuber. A “Kootu” could also be added. Either Applam, Vadaam or Vaththal is served. These are dry and deep fried. For those with a cholesterol problem, the Applams can be “Kaachi-fied” or dry roasted. You can also do this in a microwave oven. An “Oorgai” (pickle) makes up the finishing touch. For a final digestive a Banana and a mouthful of “Veththalai Paaku” will ease the fairly severe assault of all this food on your alimentary canal.

A good meal is based on good planning. Without planning, you will have all kind of disasters, mishaps and worst still delays in your completing cooking. Rice will be getting burnt and over boiled because you are busy cutting the vegetables. One Chapatti on the Tava will be getting over roasted because you were still rolling the next one. Your “Talchi-fication” (Seasoning) of a dish will become cinders because you had to answer your mobile phone … etc. etc. In fact, it would be prudent if you switched off your mobile when you are doing critical operations like Seasoning, Deep Frying or Stirring the pan so that Ingredients do not “catch” onto the bottom.

PERT & CPM are management techniques I did not learn in a B-School but as on-hands experience when I was PA to the MD of Geep Flashlight, Allahabad. He advised me to look for other examples is daily life which showed efficiency in project execution. My first thought went to how my mother prepared a meal – in the shortest possible time, with minimum effort and use of fuel and sequencing activities both parallel and linear. I do believe Cooking is the first use of an intelligent project management concept – long before all this jargon was invented.

Your planning may have to start 24 hours in advance. If SHE is coming in for Breakfast, you have to put the Rice and Urud Daal for Idlis to soak the previous morning. Nowadays, you can buy ready ground packaged and branded Idli Batter in most stores – that is if you are in an urban area. But it is more fun and rewarding if you make up your own batter.

IDLIS and DOSAS are basically made from Rice & Urud Daal (Black Gram). My mother used to tell me how MTR and other good Hotels made such crispy tasty Masala Dosas. The best was Vasant Vihar just behind the Law College on KG Road. Many were the hours when we “bunked” college to go and “lubbucks” at Vasant Vihar.  “They mix “basin” (Powdered Channa Daal)” she used to say, “and they use Washing Soda (Na2 CO3) – not even Baking Soda (NaHCO3)”. I’ve always wondered if the extra Sodium (Na) atom added in any way to my heart attack 50 years later.

24.08.2015

The Rice and Urud Daal; should for best results be Soaked in Water separately, and ground into as fine a batter as possible. This is because the Soaked Daal is much softer than the Soaked Rice. The two batters are mixed, allowed to rise for some time and salt is added just before loading the Idli Cooker. All this if you are using a manual “Oral” or a mechanized “Wet Grinder”. In both these the Soaked Rice / Daal is crushed by the weight and rotary action of the Rotary stone. However, I use a Mixer / Blender. In this the soaked grains are actually cut up by the sharp Mixer / Blender Blades. So I soak both Rice and Daal together. I can get any fineness in the batter I want just by running the Mixer / Blender longer. Length of time in soaking and allowing the ground batter to ferment is dependent on local climate. In Bangalore, I set the rice / daal to soak in the morning and grind in the Mixer / Blender in the evening. By morning, next day, the batter would have nicely risen. In hotter Tamilnadu climes, this time can be about halved.

Every home, hotel or kitchen used their own ratio of Rice to Daal. My grandmother used a mix of Raw (De-Husked and Polished) Rice and Boiled Rice (Which is De-husked after an initial boil). Nowadays you get “Idli Rice” and “Dosa Rice” too in the Supermarkets. I use a ratio of Urud Daal (In white split form) and Idli Rice in Ratio 1:2. In hotels, where they grind the two separately, rather a lot more of Urud Daal is ground up. More than half this batter is used to make “Udeen or Medhdhu Vadai” to make up the standard Udipi / Madras Hotel Breakfast of 2 Idlis 1 Vadai. Chutney, Sambhar & Molugai Podi.

So, if SHE is coming for Breakfast I suggest Idlis with Thengai Chutney and Molugai Podi. Check out Chapter Eight for the last two. I am not suggesting Sambhar, as it will add to too much cooking and you’ll have to wake up, like 3 AM to get your feast together in time. I am also not recommending Vadai, unless you do a three month internship in an Udipi Hotel (If they let you to). The art of taking up the soft, sticky batter and trying to give it a reasonably circular shape with a hole in it (like an American Doughnut) is something acquired by lots of dedicated practice and failed efforts too.

If there is any Idli batter left over, let it further ferment and you can use it to make “Oothappam” (Also called Onion Dosa) for Lunch or Dinner. Do this on a Dosa Tava by spreading the batter – not paper thin but thick and fluffy. Spread Onion, Green Chilies & Coriander (Kothmalli) very finely chopped on the still raw and wet top side immediately after “Oothi-fying” (Spreading) the Batter. Flip the Oothappam when you see the top get dry, applying oil around the edges liberally.

Whether SHE is coming for Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner, I suggest you serve an aperitif – ideally a “Paanagam” – nicely cooled. Check out Chapter Nine. Unless of course, SHE would like Beer or Stronger Liquor. If you are that lucky, then BOTH you Alcoholics can have a BALL and forget about Breakfast / Lunch / Dinner!!

Even if SHE is coming for Lunch or Dinner, you still have to plan and probably start the previous day. Things need to soak overnight. Maybe even soaked and then let to sprout overnight – nice for Whole Moong Daal (Green Gram), Whole Channa etc. For a dish like “Paruppu Usili” you need to soak the Arhar or Tur Daal at least overnight and ground and steamed in an Idli Cooker the next morning. Any condiments that need to be roasted dry can also be prepared the previous day and ground just before the cooking to release the freshest flavors. Even some Green Vegetables which require a lot of hand work – Drumstick Leaf Spinach (It will take an hour to “Aanji-fy” or strip the leaves from the stalks of even a small branch). Similarly, if you’ve chosen to cook Banana Flower, you’ll have to “de-spine” a thousand flowers – much like “de-spine-ing” prawns. You can cut your fresh vegetables the previous day, wrap them in a wet cloth and it will keep till the next day – even without a fridge.

Next day, how soon should you start before the big event? That will depend on what vessels and stoves you are using. At present, I only have a Microwave and a single burner (Portable) Gas Stove. If you have one of those fancy Kitchen Systems with 4/5 Gas Burners plus a Grill, don’t use all of them together, but only what you can manage singly by yourself. Else, you’ll find that half the dishes are going haywire. Use at most two burners with the appropriately sized cooking vessels.

Ideally if you have a larger Pressure Cooker – 5 or 7.5 Liters Size, with three compartments, you can cook / pre-cook the Daal (Any), Rice and Vegetables like Beans, Gourds, Carrots, Radish, etc. but not Spinach & Ladies Finger. In the compartment with Rice you can also boil any tuber or potato either whole or in large pieces. 4 items boiled in one go!

If you are using a single Firewood Hearth set up on Bricks in a Forest, boy, you better start early as each process of cooking will have to be done individually one after the other.

First cut up whatever needs to be cut up. Here too a bit of creativity is involved again – Do you mince the Green Chilies or just split them length-wise? Do you cut the beans in longer or smaller pieces or diagonally (like Chinese Fried Rice)? Onions can be cut in a variety of ways. Break a coconut if you need one and save the Coconut Water in a glass. Grate / Scrape /Cut /Grind / Squeeze out the Coconut milk as needed and keep it aside. (You can add a shot of Booze, if you like, to the Coconut Water, it will keep you going till you finish the cooking). Complete all the Wet & Dry Grinding of the masalas and powders you will be adding.

Next arrange all the condiments you are going to use today in small colorful cups, bottle caps, and coconut shells – whatever you can find. Just like all these Celebrity TV Chefs you see on the Cooking Channels.  But unlike the Celebrity TV Chefs, you should by now have got the expertise to take exactly the required quantities, pop in the contents of each small container and not have anything left behind.

Now you are ready to start cooking. First complete all the boiling / steaming, combining whatever can be combined in one Vessel. Then complete the rest of the cooking.

Now to the Lunch Menu:

Rather than Sambhar, and to keep to strict Sree-Vaishnava traditions, I would rather serve a “Two-part combination” for the first course. This will be Hot Steaming Rice with any of the following Dry / Semi Dry mixes with the appropriate (gravy type) Kootu or Kozhumbu:

a)      Pulikaachal: See Chapter Eleven. Mixed with hot Rice it is a ready-to-eat Puliyogorai. The additional part is a Pepper and moong daal based Poruchcha Kootu with any one of a range of green vegetables. This is made by boiling a half cup of moong daal till it mashes up. To this you can add “Karuvepp yellai paruppu podi” See Chapter Eight for method in preparing this dry, storable powder. Add any type of bean, legume, Banana Flower, even “Karana Kazhangu” (a Yam). Add any one after pre boiling it. Boil the two together, add salt only if the salt already in the Podi is not enough and serve without seasoning.

b)      Thengai Podi: Again see Chapter Eight. To this will be added Veththai Kozhumbu or More Khozhumbu as a side dish. See Chapters Eleven and Ten, respectively.

c)      Paruppu Usili: The previous evening soak one cup of Arahar / Tur Daal along with ½ teaspoon of Methi seed (Fenugreek), five red chilies, ½ teaspoon salt, a crystal of Asafetida and a small 1 cm ball of Tamarind. Grind these up in the morning and steam the batter in an Idli Cooker. Crumble up the “Idlis” after they cool down. Put some oil (preferably Til / Gingili) – rather more than you would for other dishes. The Paruppu Usili absorbs a lot of oil. After seasoning the oil with Mustard seed and Curry Leaves, add the steamed and crumbled Daal to the pan. Grated Coconut is an added option. To this add also whichever vegetable you have chosen to Cook with it – it can be any one of bean, legume, Banana Flower etc. All have to be well pre-boiled.  Pour in ½ cup of water and keep stirring till it is cooked and dry and almost starting to “catch” the bottom of the pan. Along with this will be served Veththai Kozhumbu or More Khozhumbu as a side dish. See Chapters Eleven and Ten, respectively.

d)     Any other Podi or a Thogail: Again see Chapter Eight. The concept here, for the first course, is that one of the two parts, dry or wet, is sour, while the other is not. All portions of this first course are served on the nearer half of the banana leaf. Make sure you drop a generous dollop of ghee on the Hot Rice.

Now for the other half of the Banana Leaf:

1.      First a “Pachchaddi” or Salad: You can use any of the recipes in Chapter Ten or you can make up a “Kose”. For this keep about 2 tablespoons of white moong daal to soak overnight. Grate Fresh Cucumber, Green Mango and a little Carrot over the soaked Daal. Sprinkle Green Chili and Coriander chopped very fine, squeeze ten drops from a lemon, a pinch of salt and toss all together and keep in the fridge to cool. If SHE is health conscious, use whole green gram (moong daal), but you will need to soak and sprout it over 24 hours, at least.  

2.      For the “Poriyal”, use just one vegetable. Carrot and Beans can be combined. Beetroot and Radish can be combined too; but not much else. The concept of a Poriyal is that the taste of the original vegetable comes through with the minimum spice and seasoning. Do this first in a Kadaai (Pan) with minimum oil. Use only a few Red Chilies, Mustard Seed and Curry Leaf in seasoning. Add the well pre-boiled vegetable and a little salt and Turmeric Powder. Sprinkle some grated coconut over it and stir the pan till the ingredients start steaming.

3.      Third item on the top half of the banana leaf (generally going right to left) is the “Podimass”. For this you should have well boiled any one of Potato, Sweet Potato, Sheppankazhangu (Colaco), even Kerala Tapioca or Green Banana. Peel off the skin if not already done. It’s actually easier to peel off the skin after boiling. Cut the big pieces down to one inch cubes. Put a generous quantity of oil in a kadaai and season with mustard seed and curry leaves. Put in the Boiled / Peeled / Cut Potato /Tuber/ other and add two tablespoons of Dosai Molugai Podi. For this “DIY” Condiment, which you should prepare and keep in your larder, please see Chapter Eight. Add a little water, and a little salt. Remember the Molugai Podi already has some salt. Stir fry for a while till it dries up and just about starts “catching” the bottom.

4.      “Paayasam” in our Iyengar houses is referred to, orthodoxly as “Thirukannamadhu” . Usually this is served on the Banana leaf between the Rasam & Curd Courses. It really is a kind of Intra-Course Dish, an interlude, being neither a starter sweet nor a finishing dessert. The simplest is the “Parruppu Paayasam”. You should have about a cup of well boiled Arhar/Tur, Moong or even Masoor (Mysore) Daal. This should be without Salt or any Turmeric Powder. Boil at least 150 grams of Jaggery (Brown Sugar) in a vessel along with not more than 1 cup of water. Add two clove and two cardamom pods – crushed into a powder in a Pestle / Mortar with one tablespoon of sugar. When the water boils and the Jaggery has dissolved, add the Daal mashed up as best as possible. To make it richer, you can add a cup of milk, or better fresh cream, or for the best, 50 grams of “Khova” or condensed milk. Take off the stove and put in a tiny crystal of Pachchai Kalpooram to give it that “Perumal Koil” (VaishnaviteTemple) taste. Heat 2 teaspoons of pure ghee in an iron “Taalchi-fying Karandi” (Seasoning Ladle). Put in a dozen “Kaaju” (Cashew Nuts) and a dozen “Kishmish” (Dried Grapes / Currents) and let them fry till the nuts turn brown and the dried grapes swell up. Take off the stove and plunge the ladle into the “Payaasam” vessel.

5.      The last item is the pickle or “Oorgai”. Now you can easily get this even in the remotest villages, in little sachets which cost as little as One Rupee. But if you still want to persevere and take pride in making your own pickle, I would rather suggest a “ready-cooked” pickle (like served at weddings) rather than one that takes months to mature in the Sun in a Horlicks Bottle. The Horlicks Bottle is now non-existent and the Sun plays truant half the time. Things you can use are: Limes /Lemons, Citrus Fruits like Citrine, Tangerine, Green mango (unripe & Sour) of almost any variety, The Aavakkai variety requires special preparation. Gooseberries – both round (Amla) and the star variety. In fact you can even use Bitter gourd. Cut whatever you decide to “Pickle” into 1 cm pieces. Put in a pan and Boil till you can see that the ingredient changes color and is cooked. Take off and drain the water into your Rasam Vessel. (Not bitter gourd juice, though. Give it away to a Diabetic). Put in three table spoons of either Til / Gingili or Mustard Oil. Add a generously large crystal of Asafetida and season with Mustard Seed. Put in the cut & boiled Fruit etc. Add ¼ of the quantity of the main ingredient of Salt, preferably rock salt. Add about 1/8 the quantity of Red Chili Powder. Add a teaspoon each of Jeera, Saunf and Omum – learn to know which is which – they all look similar. Let it all cook for a while adding a little water, time to time, to keep it from “catching” the bottom of the pan. Take off and let it cool to room temperature before serving.

The Second course is “Rasam”: or as we Iyengars say “Saathamudhu”. Firstly collect the water drained out of whatever you boiled – the vegetables, Rice Kanji (Gruel), Daal, Potatoes & Tubers etc. All this is good stuff and need not be thrown away and can be used as “stock” for the Rasam which replaces the Continental concept of Soup. Soak about 4 cm ball of Tamarind and squeeze out the pulp. Add this Tamarind Juice into the Pot.

Do you know, the tastiest Rasam has been made in a Pot made of Lead, called an “Eeyya Paathram”?

Add in the Rasam Powder and ½ teaspoon of Turmeric Powder (Unless it already is in the packaged Rasam Powder you bought).

If you want to make your own Rasam Powder, lightly roast the following on a dry pan: I table Spoon Kadalai (Channa) Daal, 1 Teaspoon Urud Daal, 1 teaspoon Jeera, 2 teaspoon Black Pepper and 3 large dried Red Chilies. Grind all together into a coarse powder and bung it into the Pot. Add 3 long green chilies split lengthwise in two. Optionally, 5/7 pods of Garlic crushed can also be thrown in. A couple of tomatoes can also be diced fine and thrown in, but reduce the amount of Tamarind. Boil the pot till the froth on top completely dissolves and everything – the green chilies, Garlic and Onion are all cooked. Take off the stove, garnish with finely chopped Coriander and season (in Ghee, if possible) with Mustard Seed and Curry Leaf. Make sure the Guest has Appalam / Vadaam / Vaththal to go with this course.

The guest may prefer to skip this course and prefer just a glass of Rasam. Keep a Tumbler / Glass / Cup ready to serve it. Only serve the top skimming of the Rasam like a light Soup.

The last part of the meal is the Curd Rice Course served just after the “Paayasam” “Intra-Course”. This too the Guest may want to skip. So, keep another Tumbler / Glass / Cup ready to serve Curd or Butter Milk or the Paayasam. I don’t suggest you spice up the butter milk. If you’ve got this far, you’ve done well enough. No point in laying it on too thick. You’ve made actually more than a dozen items! Add salt if the guest asks for it. Make sure the Rice served is cool and not steaming hot. In any case, it would have cooled down by the time the guest plods through till the last course.

The above meal adheres to strict TamBram rules. You will notice I have not used Onion or Garlic – they are optional. There is a reason for that. In a worst case scenario, the ABANDONED HUSBAND may find that the PRODIGAL (TamBram) WIFE has returned along with HER MOTHER – his MOTHER-IN-LAW!!!

THE END

In memory of my mother, Mrs. Malathi Rajagopal who taught me that “the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach”.

This book is dedicated to my Aunt Mrs. Prema Raghavan for all the Recipes she gave me -many saved in an old note-book by my grandmother.